Caregiver Insights

Caregiver Suggestions

Time for Memory Care?

There are many reasons why those of us who are Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers usually wait longer than we should before we move our loved ones to a memory care facility. For years, we have been committed to living in our homes as long as possible. We may even have made a pledge to never live in communal housing. At first, we tend to deny the severity of the illness, and we believe that we will be able to give our loved ones the best care possible. We also learn that people with dementia don’t believe there is anything wrong with them or that they need help. We feel certain that they would object to an unwanted change and will be much happier staying home. And the increased cost of a move seems overwhelming. It’s easier to just keep dealing with the situation as it is and not face additional anxiety.

In the early stage of dementia, these barriers to change are valid. But Alzheimer’s and most other dementias are progressive illnesses. The pressure for change will intensify, driven by increasing confusion, disorientation, and obstinance as well as declining initiative, awareness, and cognitive ability. Eventually, the combination of these trends becomes overwhelming.

We resist change because we love, we care, and we want to do all that is possible to make their lives as good as they can be. As I wrote in my journal after years of caregiving, “I only know that I have been losing parts of Gayla for a long time, and I want to hang on to what is left as long as I can.” The problem is that reality catches up with us. We may not be emotionally ready for change, but love, concern, and commitment cannot stem the tide of dementia. Safety and health risks, caregiver burnout, and the realization that our own lives matter lead most of us to decide that memory care is the appropriate decision.

The decision is torturous. But we learn that we cannot be aware of or control what our loved ones are doing 24 hours a day. After a ninety-year-old lady in our neighborhood died when absentmindedly walking in front of a car, I realized that could easily have been Gayla. This followed instances in which she had turned on the gas stove in the kitchen in the middle of the night and weeks later had to be rushed to the ER when she had a reaction to one of her medications. Safety and health were becoming greater risks, which intensified the stress I was feeling as a caregiver.

When stress, fatigue and feeling overwhelmed pushed me toward the breaking point, my support group expressed their concern. Then Andria, my trusted mentor, told me that the time had come for us to start planning Gayla’s move to memory care. I knew that this would happen, but I thought it was still a couple of years away. However, when I took some time to evaluate all that had happened and would happen, the decision became clear. I realized what should have been apparent months earlier. The definitive issues were:

  1. Gayla’s condition would continue to decline, and she would be safer and healthier at Cherrywood than she would be at home. Cherrywood has specialized staff available 24 hours a day that is trained to meet the nutritional and medical needs of people with dementia. In contrast, at home I was no nutritionist and Gayla had overdosed on her medications in the middle of the night.

  2. The era of wishful thinking was over. I finally had to accept that Gayla was no longer the person I had married 56 years earlier. She was unaware of the activities taking place around her. I could love our memories and also love who she had become. Both deserved my respect and commitment. But now she needed full-time caregiving, and no individual could provide that every day. 

  3. I realized that after an adjustment period, Gayla would be happier at Cherrywood than she was at home. They have life enrichment programs, including music, art, and interactive activities that are fun and stimulating, particularly when compared to the isolated, boring environment she had at home. I finally accepted that people with dementia do better when they are with other people with dementia.

  4. Gayla had a history of urinary tract infections (UTIs). I learned that UTIs can significantly increase cognitive decline in people with dementia. Typical symptoms of UTIs include fever, pain and burning, but people with dementia may instead show atypical symptoms like increased confusion, agitation, hallucinations, or lethargy. Poor hygiene and incontinence are red flags for UTIs. The staff at Cherrywood would be significantly better at monitoring this than I would. 

While these were the issues that shaped my decision, here are some other concerns that caregivers should consider:

  1. Financial constraints determine what is feasible. Talk to social workers and others in the memory care profession to find out who in your area will be your best sources of advice.

  2. Women are often driven to move their partners when (1) their loved ones are immobile and need physical assistance that they can no longer provide, or (2) their loved ones have become abusive or unresponsive.

  3. Men often move their partners when their loved ones become incontinent.

  4. Children often move their parents when (1) they can no longer function safely on their own, or (2) they require more active assistance than the children can provide.

  5. All caregivers should make the decision when the caregiver’s long-term health is at risk.

Each situation is personal, but in many cases deferring the decision to move is just prolonging the pain. For me, moving Gayla was difficult but was the right thing to do.

Our Mission

Connection, Insight & Relief

To connect dementia caregivers to community, practical insights, and genuine relief — so that no caregiver has to figure this out alone, without a hand to reach for or a voice that understands.

Built by caregivers. For caregivers.

Our Vision

No One Walks Alone

A world where no caregiver walks this road alone — where every family touched by dementia has access to the compassion, knowledge, and community they so deeply deserve.

Because love deserves a community behind it.

Dementia Caregivers Connection isn't a program someone designed from the outside. It is the community Pete and Christine wish had existed when they needed it most — and it grows stronger with every caregiver who joins it.

Built by caregivers, for caregivers. We offer practical insights, compassionate community, and meaningful relief for every family walking the dementia journey — because no one should face it alone.

Join our growing community of caregivers.

© 2026 Dementia Caregivers Connection. All rights reserved.

Made with and for caregivers everywhere