Caregiver Insights

Understanding Dementia

Crying is a Blessing

In the post-World War II era, boys were programed not to cry. Crying was for babies, girls, and “sissies.” It was unmanly. We learned how to “suck it up.”

For many of us, the tears that have come over the years have been stifled by this unwritten code of conduct. We did not learn how to cry deeply. Instead, we approached emotional issues with stoicism. Emotions were often locked up inside. Imagine a car in which the driver presses down hard on the accelerator and the brake at the same time. It’s a kind of internal hemorrhaging. This is not anything to be proud of, and it is an unfortunate burden for anyone who becomes a caregiver.

I cried more since Gayla’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis than at any other time in my life. While I am still restrained, I’ve cried for her and for us. I’ve cried about the frustrations and the losses. And I’ve cried about the future. But mostly. I’ve cried because love ensures it, as Brooke so beautifully explained: 

“When I think of all the tears I continue to shed, what I keep coming back to is the depth of love and gratitude I have for my mom. My tears come from that place. Yes, they are an expression of pain—for the loss, the loneliness, the sadness of not having the mom I grew up with. But they are also an acknowledgment of the deep well of love I have for her. And every sob or keening session I experience, is a tribute to her. A way to thank her for all she has done for me. And it is also cleansing. It is a pouring out of my heart, giving voice to how much she has touched and changed my life. How much she means to me. Each tear is a memory.”

Dementia is an evil curse that disrupts lives and imposes sadness. However, dementia has not detracted from the heart-warming memories I have of the life that Gayla and I shared through the years. I have learned that crying brings renewal, warmth, and the comforting feeling of love. And crying as an Alzheimer’s caregiver made my favorite memories more vivid and alive. The surprise is that crying has been good for me and is a blessing I never expected.

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